The Words according to DULUX (1511 & 1512) & UNDERCOVERS (1513)

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HASH 1511 & 1512 – TORQUAY (Post-Xmas Hash Bash weekend)

Friday, Valentine’s Day… Well, let’s start at the very beginning – a very good place to start. We begin with a b c: At the Bar with Cheap beer on the Friday afternoon; a bit of strategy-planning for the weekend… [Ed. Assorted alcoholic drinks – some with umbrellas (well, they might as well have been) – consumed in quick succession being famously conducive to the formulating of strategic thoughts…] Well, we are known as a drinking club with a running problem… A quick dip in the pool to freshen up for some, and a wholesome evening meal at the Victoria restaurant before heading out. Good luck drinking or dancing to those who had managed the jumbo jam sponge and custard [Ed. excellent ballast for the rest of the evening…!]. A number of hashers stayed back to get their fix of their gaming habit – Vindaloo and Gary Glitter – a sensible move. Dress code was glitz and glamour for the evening: you can rely on shrinking violets, Pony Shafter and Filth, to lead the way [Ed. I have seen less sparkly disco-balls].

The evening pub crawl was a criss-cross of entertainment across the bay, and made even more spectacular with the addition of jolly hashers dressed in gold and silver, including Ginger Spice. It may be a first [Ed. doubtful…] that the clientele at Yates’ were far worse for wear before we arrived, but they truly enjoyed the addition of sparkle, a smoke machine and the fire alarm to complete their eve. A sing-song with the retiring local gentlemen in the Irish bar, and then the group partied on to the Starlight disco. Filth lit up the harbour with her flashing disco trainers, much admired by the locals – along with Pony/Ginger Spice, who was wolf-whistled by youngsters. What a down town girl! [Ed. swit-swoooh!]

Photo credit: Rubbery

HASH 1511
Hashers enjoyed a full [Ed. English? Continental? Plate of?] breakfast: it was reported that Spunky McSpunkface had breakfast…then porridge, kippers, omelette…then went round again. [Ed. exemplary resourcefulness! You never know when the next meal…oh, that’s right: just chocolate biscuits, sweets, crisps and a cornucopia of car-boot beverages in about an hour…?]

A keen group of hashers circled up at 11.30am to find Olive had organised a warm-up session. I say ‘session’; it was an aerobics class in the rain – you can witness the evidence on Facebook. [Ed. there was some genuine concern we might all ‘peak’ before we left the hotel carpark!]

Ah, at last – the hash: we were off. Hares, Winnie the Poo and Blown Off had set the routes in foul weather the day before, so you knew it was going to be wet. A Long and a Short – perfect; two beer
stops – even better – by Filth, Rubbery and Pony. Around the seafront we went, the fluorescent brigade of orange and lime were off to enjoy the panoramic views of the English Rivieria. Silly Shunt was only just stayin’ alive by jay-walking across a road; Jelly Baby was witness to her screams.

Now, you think that Torbaydos is a flat, fun town [Ed. I don’t remember that bit, either…] – but no; the hares found the steep, rural hills and woods full of shiggy. The route was very well marked and kept the group together; the hares swept both routes. Barbarella took a tumble like a rolling stone. I, Dulux, ended on knees in orange shiggy and was promptly named Terracotta Warrior by Yeuk [Ed. a ‘tan’ to rival to tat of the Cinnamon Adonis, at last!]. We heard through the grapevine that Vindaloo had declined an embrace at the kissing gate, but she was seen doing circuits through the woods with Lowt’arse. Tyred Bunny was reported running up that hill in jeans.

Windy Puff missed the beer stop totally. I would call that shortcutting, as that hill was the most ‘inclined’. There is photographic evidence to suggest Twisted Sister and Lazy Git, having completed the majority and worst bit of the hash, were then found in the Devon Dumpling pub [Ed. this sounds very unlikely…]. Yeuk nearly pulled…a tendon that is. Shaggy did not fall [Ed. well, not sure it qualified as ‘falling’, exactly…], but accumulated so much dirt she looked like she had been rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ down a river.

Fluffy Dice couldn’t find his way around, disorientated and complaining about a moist hat. He had reportedly already gone back to the car to retrieve Silly Shunt’s sports bra [Ed. hash heroism at its finest]. That’s Crap offered his support for said cause [Ed. selfless] but it wasn’t held up [Ed. Buh-bum-tishhh!]. Can’t Come was rather too excited eating his chocolate biscuit at the beer stop – I don’t think his sugar rush had worn off until 1.30am, as evidenced by his dancing. Nice Tackle would like a name change, as signs on route kept reminding him of large tackle available [Ed. something to prove, Nice Tackle? 😂😉].

Py won the Short ‘race’, and Spunky on Longs. (It’s not a race!) Blue Nun and Triple Top completed nearly 100 miles of hills that day but that was on two wheels not two legs [Ed. doesn’t count, then… 😁].
Doggy Style, our esteemed GM, gave instructions for strictly no shoes back at the Hotel!! Do as I say and not as I do, she quoted; there was mud everywhere. And finally, Filth was rumoured to be caught at the photocopier making duplicate drinks tokens.

The regroup at Alberts Bar with hot pasties and beer was very welcome.

Olive was the RA for the day: I spotted she was writing her memoirs… Good job, because I could use them for the second edition words. Olive thanked the hotel on our behalf and noted that Valentine’s Day had not gone unnoticed, with one hasher having multiple loves: his dear wife, Marty, Plymouth Argyle and Liverpool FC… Lucky man, Dimmers.

Down Downs were awarded to:
• Blown Off and Winnie the Poo – hares
• Filth, Rubbery and Pony for superb beer stops.
• Dulux for 500 t-shirt.
Photo Credit: Beefy Photo Credit: Beefy

Photo Credit: Rubbery

ON ON to the Do…Hash Dinner Dance and Awards:

All Hashers scrubbed up well for our sparkling event of the Hash year. A lovely meal, and we danced the night away to Nine Odd Notes. Our GM, Doggy Style, aided by Tight Nuts compèred the evening with their glamorous assistant, Olive. Goolie was thanked for finding the venue, and Filth was thanked for a great job in organising. Numerous certificates of excellence for deeds and misdemeanours were awarded on the red carpet and photographed for posterity. [Ed. not forgetting the (hash record-breaking?) despatch of 19? 20? (half-pints of) Prosecco Down Downs. Fizzically trickier than ale!]

In true hash style the after party continued… The Starlight Disco next door had already begun…The ‘bad taste’ evening, hosted by the local Belly Dancing Group, made SH4 look tame and like pillars of society [Ed. sometimes, a little smidgen of comparison can be healthy…]. Their own pregnant Barbie had been dumped and was looking for a new Ken [Ed. and she had the lucky menfolk of SH4 in her pinkly be-feathered sights… 😳].

Photo credit: Rubbery

Photo Credit: Pony Shafter

HASH 1512 – Hare of the Dog Hash

Circle Up was at 10.45pm. Only one aerobic warm up on this hash – is this going to be adopted? Hares, Olive and Blue Nun, had set a hash of 3.7 miles. [Some of] The keen, hardy bunch were moving at a much faster pace than others [Ed. surely just on account of the abundant breakfast? Can’t think of any other reasons for sluggishness on the day after the night-and-day-and-night before…]. Gary Glitter gave a historical, photographic tour for the Walkers around Torr Abbey and gardens, while the FRBs were seen heading towards Cockington. The only hurdle was the swan at the garden lake, which was waiting to attack any stragglers. We know the hash route exactly, as a local resident posted on the Facebook group, ‘Spotted Torquay’, re. the vast amount of flour found by trees that her dog had eaten and the poor thing had now been arrested for sniffing white substances. It was suggested online the hash next use small flags instead and the last person can pick them up [Ed. …👀] . All suggestions for designs of said flags to be sent to the committee.

Big thank you to all the organisers, entertainers, hares and hashers for such a fantastic Hash Bash
weekend [Ed. Hear, hear!]

ON ON to CORNWOOD

DULUX

So many photos… As per last week’s email, and in case you missed them, you’ll find a few (thousand) more from the Post-Xmas Weekend shenanigans at the following Facebook albums:
• Friday Night Frolics
• Saturday Hash 1511
• Post-Xmas Gala weekend Saturday Night &
Awards
• Hare of the Dog Hash 1512
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Hash 1513 – CORNWOOD
Words by UNDERCOVERS

I really thought I had got away with it. [Ed. Oh, Undercovers…still?] Turns out you have to be missing longer than Lord Lucan to avoid being collared for the Words.

Circle Up was delayed by a couple of minutes while we were coaxed out of a perfectly dry pub into a perfectly wet car park. Our GM, sheltering under a nice big umbrella, was in no hurry to send us off and eventually Gaffer gave us his fulsome briefing – the Long is further than the Short, um… it’s a bit technical in places. On cue, the rain came down in a deluge of biblical proportions…and we were off.

The wet road soon ran out and almost the entire hash was spent knee-deep in some of Cornwood’s finest bogs, briefly interspersed with hacking through brambles, fording rivers and navigating dense woods. [Ed. excellent value hashing] That last bit was completed more subtly by some than others. Rizzo favoured the direct approach, and any trees in her way were felled with a mighty shove in an impressive display of strength and a complete lack of co-ordination.

With the going this soft, there were inevitably some fallers. Shaggy obviously, Overshot spectacularly and Pugsley similarly. Olive, stuck in a bog, thought she was drowning. Gaffer, consulting his health and safety manual, told her she was not – whereupon she toppled face first into the wettest part she could find – predictably. [Ed. don’t contradict Olive 😆😘]

Imelda’s head torch fail brought Pugsley to the rescue with a welcome offer of assistance – no hasher left behind being a code of honour we all like to follow – all except Pugsley, who abandoned Imelda within 100 metres.

At one stage, sunk knee-deep in a particularly moist section of Cornwood, Rizzo exclaimed “this is hideous!”. Gaffer, standing strategically on the only dry bit for several miles, grinned from ear to ear. This was precisely the endorsement that made all the hard work laying the trail worthwhile. [Ed. music to his Cinnamon ears…]

Inevitably, we reached a stage where Gaffer’s two bags of flour ran out. Faced with yet another river crossing and unmarked jungle trails, unnamed Laura’s local knowledge led back to the road – and a soggy jog on to the pub.

Back in the dry and various conversations were overheard: Overshot to Shaggy comparing Strava results “the map makes it look quite a linear trail” translated from architect-speak: “blimey, that was wet.” Then Shaggy, channelling her full Richard Dreyfuss, in a comparison of bramble cuts with other similarly scarred athletes [Ed. not, of course, to be confused with James Dreyfuss. As I did. And was, er, confused…!]. A bromance clearly evident as Re-Entry mentioned how much he enjoyed running with Muckspreader, one of the few hashers [Ed. “almost” – you omitted Re-Entry’s critical qualifier, which narrowly averted the slip of making this an actual compliment 😘] able to keep up with him.

Know Nuts made quite an entrance, wearing plastic bags on his feet. Being the unconventional chap he is, he had the recyclable food bag on his left foot when tradition dictates it must be worn on the right. I’m sure he knew what he was doing. […👀]

Nice Buns (putting in a surprise appearance, given the appalling weather) entertained us as RA, and we sweetly serenaded LowT’arse on the occasion of her Birthday. Nokkers was presented with “the fastest walker” T-shirt.

Down Downs were awarded to:
• Yeuk and Gaffer – laying an excellent trail
• LowT’arse – Birthday
• Nokkers – T-shirt
• Laura – local knowledge and leadership
• Know Nuts – stylish footwear

PS. Here’s a fun fact [Ed. Climatic conditions didn’t much lend themselves to extraneous fripperies at Circle Up last week…]. Apparently the surname “Moise” is well know in St Lucia. The family own a clothing store called “Moise Underwear”. Any of you SH4 hashers fancy being catalogue models? [Ed. cheap…😆]

On on to MARLDON. Apparently it is in the South Hams, even though the map shows it’s only just in Devon.

Photo credit: Whisperer
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🏃 📸 🍻 You can enjoy more a few more pics from the unmitigatedly soggy Cornwood Hash on 19th February 2025 by checking out Hash Flash’s purpose-built photo album on the SH4 Facebook page 📸 🏃🍻

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Next SH4 Hash 🐷👣:

HASH 1514 – MARLDON, 26th February 2025

CIRCLE UP 7.25pm
Ye Old Smokey House
Vicarage Road
Marldon
Paignton
TQ3 1NN
What3Words: smiled.pulled.fame

ON DOWN:
Inside Ye Old Smokey House

Hare: Squashed Balls

Parking: Please park at the far end of the large carpark.

Menu: Main Menu

For further info, including food ordering details, please see the Hash 1514 event page on the SH4 Facebook Group.

Add your photos of how the day went down (Weds 26h February, 2025) to the Hash 1514 photo album on SH4’s Facebook page , courtesy: Rubbery.

📝 If you are the lucky Scribe at Marldon on 26th February, please submit your edition of The Words to thewords@sh4.org.uk by Sunday evening (2nd March, 2025) – TVM! 📝
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SH4 ‘EALTH & SAFETY

Please make a note of the new SH4 hash phone number and add it to your phone:

🌟 SH4 hash phone number: 07922 103701 🌟

Use this number to call for assistance if you come ‘unstuck’ out on the trail, or need to get a message to ‘base camp’ (On Down) during the run .

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🌟 Don’t forget to see Rusty Bottom or Ching Chong before the hash to log you out on trail using the new-fangled checking-out/checking-in app (developed by our very own digital-wizard, Whisperer).

Don’t forget to also check back in with the ‘On Secs you’re safely back. 🌟

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SH4 MercHASHdise

Show your love for SH4 and wear your membership proudly with a bespoke SH4 car sticker!

Available exclusively to SH4 members (and, to be fair, anyone else who wants one…) for the bargain sum of £0.50 ea., you can afford one for every vehicle in your fleet! 😊

See a member of the committee at the next meet for yours.

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