The Words according to TYRED BUNNY

Hash 1452 – CHURCHSTOW

Yet another damp and dismal evening at Churchstow was about to be lightened by SH4, raising the spirits of the limited numbers of those attending, and rewarding them for ignoring their poor spouses left at home on Valentine’s Evening.
Not even Rizzo’s appalling weekly joke could flatten the anticipation: “What does cupid eat? A hearty meal”.

This was clearly the enthusiastic hard-core of SH4, with cries of ‘Let’s get on with it!’ from various; they were just chomping at the bit to be let out of the starters’ gate! The hares, Spotty Botty & Pugsley, started the briefing, only to be immediately interrupted by a disrespectful landlady shouting “Food for James!!”, quickly claimed by Rubbery. To be fair to Rubbery (and that’s not said very often), he hasn’t used the old ‘Sorry, I can’t do the hash this evening because they misunderstood when I wanted the food served’ excuse for a while, but, please, a little more originality in future would be appreciated.

The hares said it was a simple trail, with options of 2, 4, & 6 miles just following the Walk, Short/Short or Long/Long options. Pony Shafter wasn’t convinced, and very pragmatically suggested that we should organise a search party for Olive before we started (funnily enough, not the description that Olive gave the suggestion). It was optimistically ignored, so off we went.

I’m not sure about it being a simple trail, as Jyde & Tyred Bunny almost immediately got lost and somehow ended up on the Walkers’ trail. But all was not lost, when Nice Buns & Pull the Udder joined us. We found a field-mouse trying to navigate – what must have appeared to it to be something like – the Amazon in full flood. Pull the Udder to the rescue; with 100% effort, she leapt to the poor creature’s aid…until she realised she might get some mud on her trainers, at which point she backed off. Then it was Jyde’s turn to play the superhero, and with one mighty bound onto what he thought was solid ground, he went ankle deep in mud – and very nearly fell backwards into more. Meanwhile, the terrified muroid (educational point: all muroid rodents smaller than rats are called mice) had decided the stream was the lesser of the evils, and was last seen being rushed away on the other side of the bank by a torrent of water. The road to hell is paved with good intentions!

Meanwhile, down in the bottom of the valley on the Longs, the Lycra boys were fighting over who could outrun the dogs. Don’t forget, chaps: you don’t have to be able to beat the dog, just the slowest of your mates, who can then ‘entertain’ the canine. Gaffer must have been one of the faster, possibly driven by a serious fear of dogs, as his terror led him off the trail and got him lost.

A delighted Lord Overshot overtook Rear Entry thrice, both still struggling with the concept of hashing – but then that’s newcomers for you. Apparently, there was a Ha-Ha before the river crossing, but the ‘three lost causes’ (not sure who they are?) (Ed. typically, Olive, Lowt’arse and Barbarella, I believe…although honorary/additional ‘geographically challenged’ [diplomatic term, credit: Yeuck] hashers may be appended to this band, as appropriate, when they carry the more succinct – yet expansive – title ‘The Lost Causes’) missed it and went into the river, before realising their error/folly.

Elsewhere, Ching Chong was seen athletically dancing across the shiggy – unlike Lowt’arse, who didn’t and sank deep into it.

Back at the On-Down, the hares weren’t daunted by the usual complaints, even though some originality was offered by Rizzo, or perhaps Olive (?): why were the checks round, instead of heart-shaped for Valentine’s Day? Gaffer had risked being black-balled by the other male hashers for setting Valentine’s standards that no self-respecting chap should have to live up to, by buying Yeuck a single, standard rose. On the same table, Filth left her chips unattended and was disconsolate (or even pissed off) when Lowt’arse nicked some. I think we can all agree – in hashing circles, at least – who was in the right.

Olive’s RA-ing majored on Valentine’s Day – apparently a feast day – and used it as a focus for mentioning a few worthy hashers, before allocating the down-downs: Winnie the Poo, for supporting, caring for, loving & sharing with Blown Off; Rubbery, partnering his burger with Rear Entry (case comes up on Mon); something about Who Gives a Shit getting e.coli from his Valentine’s meal, on the back of which (I know, poor turn of phrase, but I just can’t stop the creative flow) Pony Shafter ordered two?!?!

Olive then dished out the down-downs to:
• Jyde, as a belated birthday down-down, but unfortunately given over to Lowt’arse
• Who Gives a Shit, for his 100th run, although he thinks he’s well on the way to his 200th.
• Ching Chong & Can’t Come, for her consummate habit of kissing frogs
• Spotty Botty & Pugsley as hares
• Squash Balls – welcome back

….and a final note to those who feel they were left out of the Valentine celebrations:

Roses are flowers,
Pebbles are stones,
Here’s a big shout out
to those on their own.
Think yourself lucky
& try not to sob,
Look on the bright side,
You’re not with a nob!

Best wishes

Tyred Bunny