|Marvellous! I thought, no more On Sec duties, no more slightly (alright, not slightly…) compulsive folding, sorting and categorising t-shirts by size and colour, no more poring over tick-list and spreadsheets trying to find hashers’ runs lost in the mists of time, I’ll be able instead to do lots of other things like … Write The Words! (SH4 is just like Hotel California: you can check out any time you like but you can never leave, be warned you newbie hashers, get out now before it’s too late…)
However, it is an opportune moment for me to be writing the Words this week – turns out I am going to be spending quite a lot of time sitting on my already spreading bottom after last night’s shenanigans – but more of that later, it’s not all about me (what am I saying – of course it is…)
Spotty Botty’s calculations sound just about right to me – 5,000 checks, 4,000 gallons of water, 3,000 miles uphill (and only 1 mile of down by my reckoning…) and 2 hares in deep, deep trouble, although I believe one or two of the more demented members of the hash quite enjoyed it – when we finally open the SH4 Care Home for Those Whose Minds Have Turned to Shiggy they’ll be the first through the doors…
Somewhere towards the beginning of the hash I vaguely heard Tiffany’s voice and turned around to say hi, but I was unceremoniously dragged off by a yelping Olly before I could open my mouth. It was nice to see you anyway Tiffs, welcome back to the fold.
On the hash the carefully placed Green Stone provided hours (well, several minutes anyway) of amusement as hasher after hasher called “watch out for the slippery green stone!” in perfect harmony with another gracefully executed head-over-heels, complete with associated squeaks, shrieks and the occasional thump.
Bee Flicker is really engaging with the hash now and decided to don a uniform of black and yellow in full immersion into his Name (as well as all the shiggy). Other hashers who might feel inspired but who really should avoid doing the same include Goolie, Bellend, Rear Entry, Squashed Balls, Cow Pat – oh wait – too late for her…
It was quite a gentlemanly hash for a while, although a very ungentlemanly Nokkers nokked into poor Jyde leaving him reeling. Clearly a forceful woman, not to be messed with. And the ungentlemanly longs left poor Just Horny trailing at the back (now she knows how the rest of us feel most of the time); maybe she was being punished for not kicking out the checks, although if you’re at the back, there’s not a lot of point when you come to think of it.
In other more chivalrous episodes, on one of the first of many vertical ascents (more like overhangs actually…) Olly inexplicably and suddenly stopped pulling, causing me to fall backwards towards Rubbery who gallantly and manfully took my bottom in both hands and gave it a mighty shove. I accepted his proposal and the wedding is next week.
Gomez courteously helped me over and under stiles, fences, barbed wire, gates and through raging torrents; the latter being where I met my nemesis in the form of an underwater bacon-slicer which gives a whole new meaning to ‘ham off the bone’ for me. Back at the car, leggings removed, and the damage became nauseatingly apparent, a large thick chunk of skin flapping loosely and almost independently of the rest of my leg (the tibia looked fine though from what I could see of it…).
Running Late, brandishing his outdoor first aid certificate and Dimmers brandishing his box (first aid – what did you think?) gallantly raced up to administer help, then raced back to the pub to rescue their pints. Jyde who had raced from the pub having sensibly shortcutted back earlier stood and watched while I applied a dressing to myself – that’s the NHS for you…
As one more accustomed to shortcutting, I am firmly resolved to follow even more closely in the footsteps of the likes of Jyde, Dulux, Rabid, Nokkers, also cheating Rizzo, Nice Buns, Low-t-arse and Barbarella in the future.
Down downs went to:
Py for her 500th run, probably more like 700 for both her and Pinky (but who’s counting – Twisted Sister not me!)
Barbie for ungentlemanly behaviour probably;
Running Late for having a first aid certificate
Rizzo for being a cheating tunnel-avoider
Thanks to Overshot and Rusty Bottom for a… um… trail and on-on to The Sloop at Bantham – what’s the worst that can happen eh?