The words according to Know Nuts
It had rained all day but like some biblical miracle it stopped at 7.29pm for the circle up outside the
Fortescue Arms at East Allington.Rizzo called us to circle up and started the proceedings.
We had a visitor who may have been a virgin, not sure. She was called Elaine and had been
brought along by All Night Peeps. Turns out she had just run 31 miles on the coastal path so quite
an athlete.
We had the usual notices and Rubbery had something to say but I think he forgot half way through
what it was, or I just stopped listening.
Rizzo looked for somebody to do the words, the paper “Word Arrow” was not in play so a kind of
hush descended on the scene, tumble weed blew past, Wet Spot hid behind Dimwit, (a position
which would reverse later!).
Rizzo had a great idea, she said “perhaps if you are having a slack week you could volunteer and
get the words out of the way for a year”? It came over me like wave of common sense, yes, I was
slack this week, and I couldn’t stop my inner voice from piping up and it was done.
To be honest, as it turned out, whereas, you might think I would regret it I haven’t done. This is for
two reasons, firstly it is the actual 1400 hash so quite an honour, secondly when I need to get out of
it in the future, I can remember 1400 whereas 1407 or somethings doesn’t stick in the memory and
thirdly it was a brilliant hash.
I had a moment of doubt when I discovered Olive wasn’t there so may not have anything to talk
about but we will see if my fears were realised?
As I type away with the two fingers, I can’t help thinking of Hekkle and what fun she would have
with my; nonsense, grammar and punctuation when she was “(Ed)”.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the circle, All Night Peeps not only brought Elaine but of course Meg,
(dog), who to be honest was a pain in the backside, (more about backsides or bottoms later). Now
Rear Entry must be Meg’s Vet? From the rear, (ha ha), he just said “Meg” in a very loud and
commanding voice. Well for the second time it all fell silent, (I certainly dare not make a sound), of
course after just a few moments she started again, but that’s dogs for you.
The hares, Rubbery and Overshot, sorry, Overshot and Rubbery took centre stage and Wet
Spot, (now out from Dimwits rear), whispered that Dimwit was really quite made up at getting
Rubbery to lay, or part lay his first hash ever.
Rubbery took control and for the second time in 5 minutes forgot what to say, or indeed anything
about the hash, so Overshot took over. He came up with the usual lies and excuses, talked a lot
about the level, (height), of barbed wire. Then we were off, down Greenhill.
Everybody thought we would run down Greenhill to the narrow track and away so a big pack of
FRB’s charged ahead without looking for marks. How we laughed as Overshot called them all
back, drew an arrow, (with Architectural flurry), into the church field. In they piled, (more about
bottoms later), ignored the check, and off towards the church they ran without a care in the world.
Overshot kindly suggested to me I might just check to the right. With good fortune I found the trail
so for the first time that evening a 65 year old was leading the hash. Sadly I was soon overtaken but
was mid field so was quite happy.
Now, it came to pass that a large amount of the hash was on land owned by Who Gives a Shit who
apparently gave a shit and thought he knew where the trail would go so on two occasions guessed
correctly at checks leading the FRB’s without the normal checking delays. This really rather
irritated Overshot but then as time went on Who Gives a Shit repeatedly got it wrong causing all
sorts of mayhem and animosity much to the delight of Overshot.
Once normal procedures were being followed Shaggy came to the fore, no less than 3 times she
guessed the correct route at checks and streaked ahead, (not streaking like that Ethel).
The checking shenanigans upset Rear Entry’s natural rhythm to an extent that at times he was
only in the lead by a short distance. In fact at the Down Downs Gaffa said at times “a 65 year old
was in front of him”. When he said it my first thought was that was probably me but I hadn’t
realised at the time, but it turned out it was Gaffa.
With the lights of Who Gives a Shit and Shaggy providing a homing beacon it seems Pugsley
didn’t follow the trial but did a series of short cuts in straight lines across the fields from one gate
to the next.
With the clocks going forwards we had the first two hash silhouette opportunities if the hash flash,
(Rubbery), had been on the scene. The first was Bit of Rough who, for reasons only known to
himself decided to take a detour to run across the top of a manure heap! Poor Little Chef will
suffer for that moment of madness from the fragrance of eau de muckheap.
The second silhouette moment was described by Rear Entry at the Down Downs. He had noticed
Second Cumming silhouetted on the skyline, he felt he was lost so waved and called, (calling is
out of character for Rear Entry so he may have made this up). Second Cumming waved back
with both arms; it seems he had gone off track for a pee so one wonders what the silhouette may
have looked like had the photo been taken!
Morticia and Gomez are responsible and diligent dog owners. When Zoe, (dog), did a poo out
came the poo bags. The wind, (???), caught one and it went off across the field. Morticia was after
it and set a new world record for the 100m poo bag dash. Had Rear Entry been there she would
have surely overtaken him and had Rubbery been there it could have been a third silhouette
opportunity.
Back now to my hash, if you recall I was mid field and ended up with Yeuck for the most part. We
entered a large field with hashers generally spread out across it but with a small pack charging in
various directions with some apparent purpose, (I now surmise this group was being mislead by
Who Gives a Shit). It was pandemonium, Overshot arrived and directed us “left”, some of us
followed but the in-crowd followed their leader to the final exit after several failed attempts. I
didn’t know this and thought I would be sensible by half following Overshot, viewing from the
centre of the field. He went all the way around the edge to the point discovered by the in-crowd.
Having been mid field I was at the back so got to the gate as quickly as possible with Yeuck close
behind. Honestly, at the gate I didn’t “pull Low-Tarse off the gate”, she made that up for dramatic
effect and attention. What happened was she accidently got in the way of my elbow which was
quite reasonably between her and the gate. She of course dobbed me in at the Down Downs “for
pulling her off the gate” when I had the courtesy not to sue for affray regarding potential injury to
my elbow.
We pressed on to the first long/short split and took the short. It seems everybody else took the long
with Yeuck and myself being at the back or front of the shorts. We trekked on, (lonely as a cloud),
in the bottom of the valley with the stream and steep hills to our sides. We were uncertain of our
way until we saw a bright light above us! What could it be we asked each other? Was this another
biblical moment? Was it a sign? It was Overshot, not quite in silhouette mode but high above us
almost at the peak. He dropped down the hill to check on and give us guidance, not spiritual, but
that we could go around the next clump of Ulex europaeus instead of through it.
Now sweeping is very important and time consuming and Overshot takes the job seriously but he
did take a moment to share the fun he just been having. Downstream from us the longs were
directed through the little tunnel, in the stream under the little bridge which we remembered from
earlier hashes.
Some hashers were straight through, getting a soaking and some needed encouragement! Overshot
didn’t say so in so many words but we think he used a clump of Ulex europaeus to beat the bottoms
of any reluctant hashers or harriets until they conceded and plunged into the depths. Gaffa just had
to catch sight of the Ulex europaeus and he was gone, down the tunnel like a rabbit because Ulex
europaeus gives him a nasty rash.
However, One harriet initially requiring encouragement was Barbarella who said “surely you are
not going to force an old woman through that”. She was of course wrong and he did. We are not
sure if it was the thrashing with the Ulex europaeus or the dunking but we believe she enjoyed it in
the end and went back round for another go by which time Overshot was climbing away to our
salvation.
At the Down Downs Rear Entry made quite a big thing about calling or the lack of it. This of
course is odd because he is renowned for not calling. However, Ching Chong and Pickpocket were
guilty of not calling! There was a check, Ching Chong and Pickpocket climbed a gate and found the
trail. Rear Entry saw them about to make off and said “are you on”, they whispered “yes” in a
conspiratorial fashion and were gone. He didn’t say but I assume Rear Entry just followed without
calling!
Back to my favourite subject for a moment, me. We followed the stream wondering how Rubbery
had laid any of this trail not seeing any tyre marks or damage to trees where he had pulled the
Disco out. We climbed under a wire attached to a gate over the stream, we nearly got wet bottoms
but didn’t.
We climbed and climbed steep slopes, through patchy Ulex europaeus. At one point we glanced
right to see Second Cumming amongst the bushes. In our naiveté we assumed he was just lost but
on reflection we didn’t see his hands.
At the summit Overshot was waiting. He directed us to the next long/short split, we took the short.
Then Pandemonium, hashers everywhere, all lost as a result of a myriad of contradictory marks. A
pack of FRB’s knew best and went up! Not for the first time they were wrong, were they lead by
Who gives a Shit? I doubt it was Shaggy, perhaps we will never know.
Overshot appeared, a few expletives later and he directed us to a small secret opening in the Ulex
europaeus. Yeuck was off like a shot, in the lead, not 65 years old so no real right to be in front of
Rear Entry but may have been.
Then climb, climb, climb. Dimwit was behind Wet Spot, in close proximity to his bottom! He
reported a strange smell of Tofu emanating from it.
Rubbery manned the beer stop on route to the pub which came into view as the eau de tofu
lingered and finally evaporated.
Overshot’s work was still not completed as he had to go back out and recover Barbarella, Low-
Tarse and maybe another Harriet.
Outside the pub Gary Glitter was eating crisps from Lidl’s before going in. She insisted she did
the short but I think she was making it up.
Half Hard probably caused injury to his son by insisting he hashed in road running trainers.
At the time of issuing Down Downs it was considered to be such a dreadful
act of neglectful parenting he did not deserve a Down down
Rear Entry kindly stood in for Spotty Botty as R.A. and made a splendid job of it.
Rizzo thanked me for volunteering as scribe but was soon horrified and disappointment in me
when Nutcracker dobbed me in for not wanting to go to the hash because of the rain, which if you
recall cleared at 7.29pm.
On the way to the hash Rear Entry had been stalking us and watched as Nutcracker pulled out in
front of a speeding car at Sorley Cross, he was disappointed to discover it wasn’t me.
Spotty Botty’s brother Dave was named “40 Year Old Virgin” because he has been so many times and
each time said he was a virgin.
Down Down’s went to:
Rubbery – Virgin lay
Overshot – Hare and sweeper extraordinaire
40 Year Old Virgin – Naming
Who Gives a Shit – Being a smart arse
Shaggy – Getting checks right
Second Cumming – Peeing in silhouette
I then got the notes from Rear Entry which are in such small print I wonder what he saw in
silhouette out there?
On a personal note I am so pleased I persuaded Nutcracker to go despite the rain, (I have forgiven
her already), for what I think was the best hash of the year.
So, I managed a few words without having to mention Olive.
Then it was home for supper.
On On to Kingsbridge on Saturday 1 April 2023