The Words according to KNOW NUTS

Hash 1469 – EAST ALLINGTON:
🥳 OVERSHOT’S 50th BIRTHDAY HASH 🥳

(Ed. Make a cup of tea and settle yourself in a comfy chair. Maybe go to the loo and lock up now, too…)

Very early, in the cold light of Wednesday morning, I awoke with a jerk! I was thinking about Overshot, which was quite worrying on every level. Today was to be his Birthday Hash and I suddenly had a mad notion I should be involved in the celebrations by doing The Words. Although it was early morning, my mind then drifted in my half-sleep to Rizzo… Yes, it was crazy, but I would text Rizzo – despite the hour – and volunteer to do The Words tonight. Remarkably, she was awake (and hadn’t blocked me), so she soon replied to accept the offer.

I dozed, thinking about how I could make these the most perfect Words for such a momentous occasion. Let’s face it, I could start straight away and make it all up! Nobody would know! Then, a bombshell! Calamity! Blown Off’s words arrived in the inbox. They were splendid, such a dry wit (not perfect of course, because I didn’t get a mention) – they were a literary masterpiece (Ed. they were. Amazing how an imminent deadline can focus the mind…😉). I was trapped: no making things up – we would have to stay to the end and listen to Re-Entry R.A. No early bedtime for me.

After a fretful day, we arrived early at East Allington. Rubbery was also early, probably hopeful he would be asked to get his tackle out like last week, (see Blown Off’s words for details). Other early birds in attendance were Jelly Baby and Windy Puff, who haven’t been for a while. Windy Puff was later to be an unsuspecting aid to my information-gathering. It was a big turnout, and I nervously played with my pencil-sharpener in my pocket until Rizzo brought us to order. She told a joke about Wet Spot and some ice-cream, which I couldn’t understand because I didn’t hear it properly. Wet Spot also didn’t hear it but he did understand. I am still none the wiser. (Ed. Sorry: I missed it, too – it must have been a special vegan one…🧐) A visitor, Goldfish – son of Gaffer and Yeuck – was introduced. When it was suggested Gaffer would look after him, it was revealed he was here as Gaffer’s carer for the evening. More about Goldfish later.

Rizzo announced I had volunteered to do The Words with some delight. I shared the presence of my pencil-sharpener with the assembled and said I had been blown away by Blown Off’s words. Blown Off received a standing ovation from the masses, which I would say was a first for appreciation of The Words! Maybe a T-Shirt, or perhaps a gold pencil-sharpener could be awarded for ‘Best Words’ each year in the future (Ed. great idea 😁 Form an orderly queue, now, people: no pushing to the front!), which would make Rizzo’s job that much easier as we all compete for a chance to display our literary talents?

Over to the hares: Overshot took centre-stage, his assistants, Sniffer and Chipolata, being in the background. It seems Overshot and Sniffer are similar to Nutcracker and myself, in that we only have one argument when laying a hash: it starts at the beginning, and finishes a day or so later. After some confused and contradictory laying, Overshot had to clarify the On On route by upgrading to 5-dots-and-on for the correct trail. As he explained this, he held up five fingers and looked directly at me, for some reason. The Birthday Boy then waffled on rather pointlessly about which gates to open and which gates to climb, and just managed to start us off before we lost the will to live.

We were off, down Greenhill and left into the field. As the pack stretched away into the distance, I soon teamed up with Yeuck, who was running really well – and didn’t stop running until after she announced we had done a mile. I was struggling to keep up and didn’t have the usual opportunity to share with her stories of when I was a lad. Nevermind – if I can remember them, I will tell her next time. Yueck, however, eventually settled to my pace and shared with me how Goldfish got his name. It seems he spent his early time as a baby in an incubator and they thought he looked like a goldfish in a bowl. At the On Downs, when Re-Entry suggested it was a bit harsh to be named after his incubator, Gaffer revealed they used to carry him around the hash for his first 6 months. (He didn’t make it clear if he was in the incubator at the time or whether after the first 6 months he was left to crawl along behind.) Perhaps now Goldfish is Gaffer’s carer he can reap some revenge?

At the first stream crossing, we all went down the right-hand side of the field, through the reeds and mud and across the stream. Well, all of us except Py and Wet Spot, who went left in an attempt at keeping dry feet. Morticia and Gomez followed. We went up along the top of the field and back down to find them in the same stream, just a little further down and having suffered a little poetic justice as they slipped on the mud. Py got into difficulties with a big log and Flage-No-Lay came to her rescue.

As we plodded along, we lost count of how many times the Longs overtook us. We agreed we would ask Winnie the Poo about counting when we got back, her being an accountant and all. But of course, that is sign of a well, designed and laid hash – probably in a great part thanks to Sniffer’s input and the new 5-dots-and-on system. On one of these occasions, as the Longs went by, Rizzo and Nice Buns overtook, going uphill and alongside a road. A crowd of supporters (two) had gathered at the wall along the top of the field. I asked if they were family; Nice Buns said “No, daughters”! (Ed. nothing like a bit of light heckling to demonstrate the filial bond).

Re-Entry, (R.A.), said that Bit of Ruff, Re-Entry, Triple Top and Shaggy were the only ones to get to 50, (Rizzo claims she did as well). I have no idea what he was talking about…perhaps I should have listened a little more intently? (Ed. another tasty innovation from the hares, in a nod to Overshot’s half-century: a hilarious […] check back, featuring not one, not five but 50 [count them…I failed to [just one more in an embarrassedly hefty catalogue of errors] marks to rewind on the trail… As I say, hilarious.) Anyway, Bit of Ruff took to sprinting to try and keep the lead, all to no avail as the new 5-dot system caused confusion in the woods, with Shaggy getting it wrong and leading the Longs astray, just to yet again trot past Yeuck and myself. I was distracted by Shaggy’s legs, which it seems had yet again been in the wars. She had apparently been plastered since the weekend (Ed. I could refute this as nonsense, in querulous and affronted tones, but there is very little point, as we all know…), which probably explains it all. In her injured state, Shaggy proceeded to slide down through the woods on the mud in a sort of bottom-skiing method, to arrive at the foot of the slope with a little bow. Then, at a later point, she appeared out of a stream with Can’t Come and when I asked how that came about, as she overtook us yet again, she had no idea but said Olive was probably to blame as she was also somewhere in the stream (Ed. true story…😉).

Olive then had a bit of a turn! She was with Can’t Come, who had a bit of a tell-tale stain on his shorts and she had to sniff a nettle to clear her head because she thought that Can’t Come Can Come! (Ed. there is much reference to nettle-sniffing in the following 352 paragraphs…is this a known restorative treatment, of a similar order as Lady Bennett’s smelling salts?) It turns out it was all innocent. It came to pass that Wet Spot was annoyed about the ice-cream joke we didn’t hear and threw a drink at Rizzo at one of the beer stops – which missed her and landed on Can’t Come in an embarrassing little (Ed. no need to rub salt in the wound, so to speak…!) area. Fortunately, no real harm was done and thankfully there seemed to be an abundance of nettles for Olive to sniff to help her regain her composure (and sting everybody’s legs). All of this had a bit of a lasting effect on Olive, who took to opening gates whenever she came across one. (Once she stopped sniffing nettles and just had her legs stung like the rest of us, she was okay.) I hope she entered the nettle-sniffing in the incident book?

The mention of the Circle Up reminds me about Windy Puff who hasn’t come for a while and took the opportunity to interrogate anybody who couldn’t run quick enough. One such candidate was Blown Off, who was temporarily frustrated as he waited for Tyred Bunny to mount a gate. Blown Off was luxuriating in his prowess (Ed. assumed – but not not clear if – limited to Words-writing) and said that a rule he applies to all things is that if he only does it once a year, he feels he should really put some effort into it. At the On Downs, Re-Entry congratulated Winnie the Poo on her good fortune in such matters.

Having lost Yeuck and being joined by Tyred Bunny, I commented how well TB was running. He said it was a combination of his years of training in the military and having recently been on exercises, (a walking holiday somewhere). In an attempt to impress the nearby Harriets, he attempted a military-style assault on the above-mentioned gate, only to disappoint all in the queue behind him. Always one for a quick recovery, he embraced the interview with Windy Puff, saying that he had realised he generally goes hard at things for about 15 seconds only to run out of steam. I didn’t quite hear the rest of the conversation, which may of course put it into context.

In apparently unrelated incidents, Willie Waver went mad and Whisperer became confused! Willie Waver ended up covered in flour and said somebody had thrown it over him (Ed. it is traditional to blame Wet Spot in such cases, of course…photographic evidence, though, points to his chauffeur for the evening…). It was reported, by an undisclosed source, that he just saw a white powder and decided to roll in it like a fox. Soon after, Whisperer was found in the road in a confused state. Because of the white substance infatuation by Willie Waver, we didn’t attempt nettle-sniffing but they both had their legs stung by nettles, regained their senses and – we assume – made a full recovery.

In a brief moment of calm, I found myself walking with a new un-named hasher called George from Ugborough. He was amazed I could identify Py, Spotty Botty and Marty at the full distance of a field just by their silhouette in the fading light. George had a little dog, I think called Kelp – who made no attempt to yelp (Ed. I hope no animals were harmed in the making of this tale?). Before I could start on a story from when I was a lad, he had gone. Spooky or what?

Meanwhile, back at the beer stop, Sniffer and Chipolata had been doing sterling work feeding and watering the stung and wounded. Apparently, Filth had taken great offence at the inference made by Chipolata’s insistence that her Coke should be Diet Coke. Re-Entry was shocked by it all, including Chipolata’s (Ed. alleged) enjoyment of aspartame. Until the On Downs, I hadn’t realised the clever location of the beer stop, which served twice for both occasions. Clearly a piece of smart organisation by Sniffer as a seasoned events organiser. Marty and Spotty Botty shortcutted and missed the second go at the beer stop. I actually followed them over the side-gate and got my legs stung again. Traffic Jam appeared and told me to go back because I had missed the beer stop. I didn’t fancy another nettle sting, so ran down the track and appeared to find Py berating any shortcutters – which I felt was a bit out of order, because she was as guilty as anybody (Ed. please scroll up for half an hour or so for reference to Py’s previous shortcutting misdemeanour).

Alas, the end is near, and I arrived at the car to get changed. I was parked down-slope and behind Dimwit’s car in which Wet Spot was a passenger. As I was getting changed I noticed a rivulet of liquid weedling its way down the road towards me. I made a remark about it, at which point Wet Spot apologised thinking he must have had an uncontrolled leak. No, it was Dimwit! He had a garden pump-up killer (Ed. weed? Or just a run-of-the-mill serial kind?) spray full of water of a questionable nature. He was hosing himself off, giving the occasional pump, and then Livewire arrived with a wound from rusty barbed wire, which was attributed to Who Gives a Shit’s fence management. A little unfair, as he had allowed us to run across his fields: personally, I think a little wire-wound is an acceptable price to pay for such freedom. Livewire took advantage of the situation to have his leg attended to by Rizzo and score an entry in the naughty book, next to the nettle-stung noses.

Nutcracker has just come home and told me not to make the words too long. Bother.

So, we went in t’ pub and Re-Entry did a grand job as R.A. – and now does his notes on the phone so he could send them to me: thank you. We asked Winnie the Poo about counting the number of times the Longs overtook us and she said, ‘Just use your fingers, and if need be take your shoes and socks off and use your toes’. She said it works for her as an accountant. Come to think of it, I think she made a joke I didn’t hear but everybody else seemed to enjoy… (Ed. counting on fingers featured again 😆) We sang Happy Birthday to: Overshot, Hekkel and Goldfish. Twin Buffers was given her 300 T-Shirt, to enthusiastic applause. Sniffer produced a delightful chocolate cake: following the requisite risk assessment and, due to cut-backs at Devon Fire and Rescue, she couldn’t have the full fifty candles, so Overshot just had to blow the two. (Ed. And, in a late addition to the submitted Words, and that the Scribe was really quite keen I insert, a truly noteworthy occurrence: Olive and Barbarella arrived back at the pub not only NOT last, but before 9pm! [The absence of the third of the three Lost Causes was noted with interest…] Sorry Overhshot, but I think this is the headline item from Hash 1469.)

Overshot went grey.

Down Downs went to:
Overshot – Hare and Birthday
Twin Buffers – 300 T-shirt
Shaggy – swimming, sliding, getting lost
Winnie the Poo – counting fingers
Goldfish – Birthday, and care for the elderly
Can’t Come – can come

Acknowledgements:
Thanks to: Overshot, Sniffer and Chipolata for a great hash, Re-Entry for his notes, and Shaggy in anticipation of her editing – I hope she doesn’t cut too much! (Ed. practically untouched 👍 – I wouldn’t want to compromise anything of the wonderfully meandering narrative concocted by such a willing and conscientious Scribe 😘 Plus, I think it only fair that you all enjoy the whole submission, just like me… 😆). Just out of interest: the last time I did The Words was Hash 1400 at East Allington, laid by Overshot and Rubbery – spooky, or what? x

On-On to YEALMPTON
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🏃 📸 🍻 You can enjoy highlights from the 50-themed technical East Allington hash 1469 on 29th May 2024, and afterwards at The Fortescue Arms, by checking out Hash Flash’s purpose-built photo album on the SH4 Facebook Group 📸 🏃🍻

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Next SH4 Hash 🐷👣:

HASH 1470 – YEALMPTON – 5 June, 2024

CIRCLE UP:
The Volunteer
15 Fore Street
Yealmpton
PL8 2JN
What3Words: ///compliant.only.nuns

ON DOWN:
See above.

Hares: Nokkers, Lady Godiva & Barbarella
RA: TBC

HASH MENU

For full details, please see the Hash 1470 event page on the SH4 Facebook Group.

📝 If you’re the lucky Scribe at YEALMPTON next week, please submit your edition of The Words to thewords@sh4.org.uk by Sunday evening (9 June), ideally – TVM! 📝

Add your photos of the evening’s carryings-on at Yealmpton (Weds 5 June, 2024) to the Hash 1470 photo album, when it has been conjured into being.
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HASH DIARY – Upcoming Events

🌟FALLEN WOMAN’S MEMORIAL HASH, 1st June 2024🌟

❗➡ LATE CHANGE TO HASH MENU ⬅ ❗

For anyone who hasn’t yet seen the messages on the Facebook group chat, there has been a late change to the menu being offered at The Yacht Club after Saturday’s Memorial Hash. Unfortunately, only the following reduced menu will now be available:

* Chips – £3.00
*Cheesy Chips – £3.70
* Meat/Vegetarian Pasty – £4.50

** Please order and pay on the day directly to the Yacht Club **

Thank you for your understanding.

🌟 🌟 Please remember your bright colours in Fallen Woman’s honour 🌟 🌟

Also, please be advised that The English Riviera Air Show is on in Paignton over this weekend, so traffic in and around the area is likely to be much heavier than usual and parking could be a bit more challenging, so please try and allow plenty of travel (and parking) time if you can.

(An extra tip from hasher chat discussions today has suggested downloading the RingGo app, or carrying abundant loose change for parking machines [that don’t take credit/debit card payments].)

👣

Rubbery and Pony Shafter have also created a photo album on Facebook – Fallen Woman’s Memorial Album – to which hashers are invited to contribute photos representing their brightest and best memories of the fabulous Fallen Woman.

👣
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👣
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RAMBO SALCOMBE MARATHON 2024
Saturday 21st September, 2024

👣

🌟 🌟 🌟 Register here: https://bit.ly/RamboSM2024 🌟 🌟 🌟
OR scan the QR code, below:

👣
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SH4 MercHASHdise (Sorry – I still can’t think of anything more inventive…)

Show your love for SH4 and wear your membership proudly with a bespoke SH4 car sticker!

Available exclusively to SH4 members (and, to be fair, anyone else who wants one…) for the bargain sum of £0.50 ea., you can afford one for every vehicle in your fleet! 😊

See Rizzo at the next meet for yours 👣

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