The Words according to PONY SHAFTER

Hash 1449 – TOTNES

After arriving at Victoria Street car park, and closely checking parking charges/times (Ed. at time of writing, the Battle of the Boxing Day Hash Parking-Penalty Casualties vs. SHDC rumbles on…), it was a short walk to the King William IV, where I found Filth at the bar trying to sneak an early snort. Circle Up was outside in the building site, which was the road. Rizzo gave the normal spiel and eagerly-awaited joke about their chauffeur knocking over one of the seven dwarves en route, who wasn’t Happy apparently… (*sigh*) Welcome to first-timer at SH4, Sarah, a recently deflowered PH3 virgin; Post-Xmas-at-Newquay call, final numbers and balances to be paid by early February (Ed. for those still needing to settle up, please see poster below – payment details at the end); Lazy Git had a new head-torch, which resembled a vintage car headlight; nice to see Triple Top got the Circle Up time right, unlike at the last PH3 Trail…

And they are off! L ‘n’ S down the hill, and a snowballing group of Walkers, which grew from a miserly three to a magnificent eight, up the hill. Ging Gang ‘n’ Goolie, with non-grip non-hash shoes, were clinging on to each other for grim death in the grassy, slope-y park-y area where the rest of the hash had obviously disturbed a coven of local youths, judging by the scattered litter.

Being Totnes, most of the Hash were high as kites by the time they got back, due to regular inhalation – at various points on the trail – of aromatic “herbs”. Ging Gang was pleased to lose the Walkers’ trail marks and, with a few others, indulged in some window-shopping on the High Street, and mooning at a number of restaurants filled with well-heeled punters.

The going on the Shorts was, allegedly, rather moist, with a chest-deep river crossing, but I think that was only on Little Chef. Poor Oui Oui was panicking as she forgot to bring spare pants. I did a little extra walk, as I really need to, only to catch the Longs down by the river nipping in for a pint in the Steam Packet.

Action Man, Gaffer, heard the rumour of tunnels on the trail, and was ever so excited when he got there as there was a choice of three holes. He, of course, went through the Tunnel of Love – SAS-style with back-pack and rifle – with Skidmark, even though the trail was actually up over the bank. Various stories of goings on and shenanigans and falling on/groping issues between Wet Spot ‘n’ Shaggy ‘n’ Boaty abounded.

The co-hares, Lord Overshot and Whisperer, actually laid the trails independently and without too much communication, it seems – each blaming the other for the 7-mile Longs. Triple Top’s gizmo said 8 [miles], but he has got little legs. Despite this, there were compliments as to it being the best, well-marked hash this year.

The pub had laid on a good hash menu, and also turned the heating up full so we would drink more, as most were sweating their cobs off. In the pub, Pugsley didn’t like the subdued lighting, so kept his head-torch on; Nokkers was drawn to my chips, but my meat covering managed to scare her off [Ed. Well, when you put it like that…!].

RA, Goolie, congratulated Dry-January Whisperer – yes, you heard it right – and presented him with his 600 runs T-shirt, for which he [Ed. Whisperer, for the avoidance of any doubt] manfully stripped off to try it on…think he was hot, too! Nice Buns was seen, gazelle-esque, leaping over bushes. Newbie, Steve (or is it Alan?), decided he didn’t need a torch to run in the dark. Several hashers were charged with the heinous crime of not calling Ons. Our poor newbie, Park Runner [Jordan], was left miles behind while checking, due to the lack of calls, but soon caught up. Just saying. Dimwit was accused of pushing Boaty into the river, but he probably deserved it; Boaty was also first back but did short-cut: tut, tut. Poor Sarah was highlighted for wearing running gear on the Walkers: Walkers have feelings too, you know, and we are inclusive and like people to feel as if they belong. You all will be there one day, even you FRBs… No Nuts thought it was summer already and wore shorts. Yeuk gave a probably-deserved lambasting to Overshot about the size of things, but was heard to say that Gaffer could learn a lot from Overshot…

DOWN DOWNS were awarded to and consumed by the Hares (Overshot and Whisperer), Steve, Sarah, Shaggy, Yeuk and the Newbie Wannabe [Dídac (Ed.: possibly some confusion with Parkrun Champion Newbie, Jordan, mentioned above…!)].

On On to EAST ALLINGTON, again.